Looking For Work

A doctor from Israel said, "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we can cut off part of a man's testicles, put it into another man and in six weeks he's looking for work."

A German doctor commented, "That's nothing. In Germany we can take part of the brain out of one person and put it into another person and in four weeks he's looking for work."

The Russian doctor retorted, "That's nothing either. In Russia we can take half of the heart out of a person and put it into another person and in two weeks, he's looking for work."

The U. S. doctor chimed in immediately, "Well, that's nothing, colleagues. Two years ago in the U. S. A., we grabbed an individual with no brains, no heart, and no balls, put him in as president and now the whole country is looking for work!"

~~ Author unknown

Beam Me Up! Traficant Candidacy Looks Likely

Former U. S. representative Jim Traficant has been fighting to get his name on the November 2 ballot for Congress in the 17th district of Ohio. It now appears that he has seven more petition signatures than he needs and will indeed be an independent candidate for the seat.

The maverick Traficant previously served in the U. S. House as a Democrat and later did time in federal prison.

The incumbent Tim Ryan is the Democratic nominee in the 17th district. There is also a Republican nominee, so a three-cornered race seems to be in the offing. The fall campaign could get interesting.

Thanks to Ballot Access News for the link.

California Lawsuit vs. "Open Primary"

Gautam Dutta is the lawyer who has filed the lawsuit against California's newly-enacted, Louisiana-style "top two open primary" system. Dutta has written an article on the suit in the Huff-Puffington Post.

The two features of the "top two" that the suit seeks to eliminate are (1) the prohibition against counting write-in votes in the second round in November, and (2) only permitting candidates from ballot-qualified parties to have the names of their parties next to their names on the ballot.

As to the second feature: Dart v. Brown was a federal court ruling on that topic. Henry Dart was a Libertarian candidate for the New Orleans city council who wanted to have his party listed next to his name on the "open primary" ballot; the Libertarians were not then a ballot-qualified party in Louisiana. Dart lost the lawsuit.

However, Richard Winger, publisher of Ballot Access News and one of the plaintiffs in the California case, says: "Dart v. Brown was decided before Cook v. Gralike, a 2001 unanimous US Supreme Court decision that said discriminatory ballot labels violate the US Constitution. That case was from Missouri, and struck down a law that some candidates should have a politically damaging label next to their names on the ballot, whereas others wouldn’t."

A state Superior Court in San Francisco will hear oral arguments on September 14 in Field v. Bowen, cgc10-502018. Here is the brief.

There will be a trial next November in U. S. district court concerning Washington state's similar "top two" election system. Depending on the outcome of that trial, additional litigation may be brought against California's "top two open primary" in 2011.

California voters approved the "top two open primary" for state and congressional elections in June 2010. If this system is allowed to be implemented, the first regular elections to which it will apply will be the 2012 elections.

Thanks to Ballot Access News for the links.

Bloopers From Church Bulletins

The following reportedly appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7:00 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement Friday at 7:00 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The associate minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

~~ Via e-mail