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Free Citizen

This writer espouses individual liberty, free markets, and limited government.

Location: Jackson, Mississippi, United States

Thursday, February 19, 2009

U. S. Divorce Agreement

"It does not take a majority to prevail... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men."
~~ Samuel Adams

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley MacLaine. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru stationwagon you can find.

You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe health care is... not a right. We'll keep the 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute 'Imagine,' 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing,' 'Kumbaya,' or 'We Are the World.'

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit 'delete.' In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbra Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.


Blogger rum by gum said...

I accept your divorce.

Unfortunately, since our side includes nearly all of the cities, scientists, universities, sea ports and infrastructure, I fear your side won't be surviving long after we part ways.

C'est la vie, every irrelevant ideology needs to die sometime. Hope you enjoy your last days.

Thu Feb 19, 05:09:00 PM CST  
Anonymous Boston Charlie said...

One thing you left out - we keep all the scientists, engineers, artists, literary figures and other people who use their minds freely. You folks have no liking or use for them anyhow. You get to keep all the professional wrestlers, televangelists and raptureites.

And the disposition of the military is a matter for negotiation. You folks have not proven yourself responsible to handle anything more lethal than squirrel rifles, but we're not dogmatic on the issue and might allow you to keep 30.06s to do deer hunting with.

But one hard and fast condition - we keep all the nukes. After all, we invented, designed and built them. When one of you has managed to master quantum mechanics, send him to our neutral negotiating site and we'll reopen the issue.

Thu Feb 19, 05:17:00 PM CST  
Anonymous Sean said...

From Craigslist a While Back (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/80714812.html)

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Thu Feb 19, 05:26:00 PM CST  
Blogger MarkN said...

I'm afraid Obama would invoke his hero, Lincoln, and declare war upon the seceding freedom lovers. Probably in the name of freeing the, uh, mortgage holders?

Thu Feb 19, 05:28:00 PM CST  
Blogger Two Dogs said...

In response to Boston Charlie, there is NOT ONE SINGLE private medical laboratory in a SINGLE DISTRICT in the United States that votes Democrat. Even the lab in Saint Louis is in a Republican district. I found this information out when completely debunking that asinine letter from Sean about three years ago.

Sean, get your stuff and go, do not let the screen door hit you in the ass.

Let's consider Sean OWNED.

BC, you can have every single college scientist in the country, their contributions to actual science are minuscule, if there are any at all.

However, the letter in the post body is funny.

Thu Feb 19, 05:53:00 PM CST  
Blogger Steve Rankin said...

From Timothy Birdnow:

John Von Neumann refered to himself as ``violently anti-communist, and much more militaristic than the norm`` and Edward Teller (father of the hydrogen bomb, by the way) hated the Left, testifying against Oppenheimer getting his security clearance. There were lefties in the Manhattan Project, but righties as well, so the best you are going to get is a 50/50 split of the nukes, Boston Charlie. Oh, and without Groves it would never have happened, so we get at least half. You guys won`t have any use for them anyway, since you all believe that holding hands and singing Kumbaya is a solid foreign policy strategy.

A caveman invented fire, too, but that does not entitle cavemen to flamethrowers. If you want to divvy up these things, we`ll keep everything built by greedy corporate types. You won`t get aircraft, automobiles, power stations, etc. I hope you enjoy living in the wilderness with grass between your toes and rain falling on your heads because you can`t buy shingles to fix the roof!

Enjoy your poverty!

Fri Feb 20, 09:05:00 PM CST  
Blogger Catherine said...

It appears that we are irretrievably split. But who split us? Can we agree on that? Obama has divided our country, not united it. And the divide grows deeper each day.

Fri Aug 21, 01:48:00 PM CDT  
Anonymous drue said...

The bible has more to do with splitting this country than Obama. Don't fool yourself Catherine. And it's believing that all the things this gentleman suggested in his letter are true that makes us split. Start to have dialogue with liberals and you might find out we have more in common than not. you are taking the extremes and making them the norm. WRONG!

Thu Aug 27, 03:25:00 PM CDT  
Blogger Rachel Welch said...

Steve, I loved this! And yes, I'd bet ANWR also on who would need help in a few years!

Sat Apr 03, 03:00:00 PM CDT  

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